Absence & Doubt

And so, at that very moment she got paralyzed. Something had just gone through her body, would that be some sort of poison or any toxin of her own, the truth is that it left her in such condition that her faculties would no longer function. The shadow of what was by then the huge Doubt incontestably besieged her, nevertheless Absence took advantage of her rundown state to strike the final blow upon her: not seeing him again was far beyond the remaining of her strength.

Both of them, Absence and Doubt, had been full grown for a long time now and from those figures that at the beginning seemed to be some kind of baby-sisters, they turned out to be more like wretched stepmothers.

As soon as both were born, she placed them in the basement of her soul, feeding them every day. She believed that after being responsible for bringing them to life, she should allow them to live, co-creating and co-existing with her in the very same time-space of her own being. Imprudence, out of pure and simple imprudence. By then, she didn’t realize the fact that both had been begotten by small fissioned pieces of her own soul, so the day would come when they would no longer be subjugated.

Fissioned small pieces… Yes, we human also reproduce ourselves by asexual fissiparous reproduction. This sort of fission or division, invisible, happens as follows: it begins in the human core where the vital force impelled by some adverse thoughts, feelings and sensations just break apart and what some might like to call soul, lacerated, divide itself into identical tiny little pieces. To all that, exactly like two noncompliant public employees, the human heart consents and the human brain reiterates. Note, anyhow, that in this case, usually the original individual, meaning the soul, may not regenerate completely as most of asexual reproducers such as flatworms and cnidarians. Thereafter, it follows the interbrain gestation: from the most resistant tiny little piece of the dilacerated soul, an egg-balloon shaped cell is formed and once its eggshell is broken, a puppy-affliction is liberated. Vertically, toward the skies it must ascend. However, the worst often happens. A morbid parental pride or even a mistaken sense of responsibility does not let it go. Next: the basement and the maintenance of the scion. One must also take into consideration that the human perishable eyes hardly can see such breed. Yet, some latent signals can be observed despite the difficulties even for its genitor.

And so they were both growing up, Absence and Doubt. To let them go by now would be like depriving herself from something she had not even ever had. To kill them would be simply impossible, especially now that almost adults they were already bigger than their mom soul. So, she would always give it a second thought and just give it up. And there, right there, they showed themselves sovereigns. They defeated her leaving only what was her most dense matter. Hollow. May the truth be told, she had already been able to sense that this moment would come and in ecstasy and at a distance groped with the vile hands of her thoughts for the sensation that right now was almost hindering her from breathing.

On the occasion of that very glimpse, she grabbed at her beloved, also breed of her soul, Hope. She believed that at such a moment, as a merciful nymph, Hope would throw out a lifeboat into her muddy ocean. What a shameful mistake! She saw herself alone. By now, she was about to taste the truth behind the proverb: yes, Hope would be the last to die for she didn’t know how long she would bear this lethal substance running through her veins. Substance produced and discharged into her blood by herself. Maybe. Maybe not.

Substance. It is impossible to ignore the attempt to examine which would be its name. It should probably be something concrete that was now floating freely through her veins and entering her central nervous system. She, in her unconsciousness, allowed it to dominate her completely. It was a bile or something similar. Regarding her unconsciousness, it is impossible to make any statement; after all, during a germinal stage, it is not uncommon to exist in the divisible weak soul only a fragile and frivolous impossibility of being…

The truth is, he showed up unexpectedly to the unaware girl and nothing ever seemed so right. And so, as magically as he had appeared in her life he has now disappeared without leaving any clue, just a torturing doubt of the possible “he-loves-me” and the infallible reality of his absence and its “he-loves-me-not”. It was all it took for them, her real enemies to finish her.

If they did it just the two of them, nobody will ever know. Besides Hope and her irremissible negligence, they may have counted with Reality and the Clues sisters, all breeds of her own soul, kept in the innermost basements of her poorly explored being.



Alessandra Barbierato


suspension: walking the tightrope supended by thoughts. acrylic on cardboard. 2015

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